WHY CAN’T WE STOP JUDGING? When I started my Licensed Emotional Intelligence Practitioner Training Program , little did I realise that an amazing revelation was around the corner. As part of our training program, we were made to take an oath that as Coaches, we will not judge anyone. Hmmm…. So, what’s great about this oath or the requirement of not judging anyone as a coach? Guess what!! We are always judging. Wait a minute.
WHY CAN’T WE STOP JUDGING?
When I started my Licensed Emotional Intelligence Practitioner Training Program , little did I realise that an amazing revelation was around the corner.
As part of our training program, we were made to take an oath that as Coaches, we will not judge anyone.
Hmmm…. So, what’s great about this oath or the requirement of not judging anyone as a coach?
Guess what!! We are always judging.
Wait a minute. Did I say,” Always Judging!”. Please! STOP JUDGING ME FOR WHAT I SAID AND give me a chance to present my views .
Whether we realise it or not, judging others is an automated process. Our Neurons are continuously firing in that direction. Our brains are wired to make automatic judgments about others’ behaviours so that we can live without spending too much time or energy on understanding everything we see. We often judge and don’t even realise. Its deeply rooted and we are habitual about judging others.
What’s interesting is that we don’t want to be judged but we keep judging others. Sounds counterintuitive. Isn’t it? We tend to forget or overlook our mistakes but ensure to point out someone else’s. Feels strange? Sounds Funny? Looks absurd? YOU BET
SO WHY DO WE JUDGE?
What do you know about Amygdala?
The amygdala is one of two almond-shaped clusters of nuclei located deep and medially within the temporal lobes of the brain in complex vertebrates, including humans. Shown to perform a primary role in the processing of memory, decision-making and emotional responses, the amygdalae are considered part of the limbic system. Wikipedia
When the amygdala is activated: Rational thought goes out the window & the “Flight or Fight” mechanism of survival is activated.
Why I am talking about Amygdala or Survival system here?
Well, it turns out that the automated judgment process that keeps running in us, is linked to our survival instinct.
You can refer to this article for research work on AMYGDALA’s ROLE IN SOCIAL JUDGEMENT BASIS FACIAL APPEARANCE
When we judge by looking at someone, few things could happen in those split-seconds :
- Likeability : Is the person warm and kind? Is the person approachable? What kind of social behaviours the person is exhibiting? Likeability causes us to trust that person. On the other hand, if we see someone to be manipulative or despiteful, we tend to distrust such people. Being judgemental in such situation protects us from any harm that could come from such people.
- Appearance : As a social being, we form beliefs related to how people should look and appear. When a person doesn’t meet the criteria as per our belief, our neurons start firing once again. We may not even realise the role that the media, TV, cinema, literature has played in portraying people in certain way. A successful person seems to dress in certain way as per us, a villain is made to appear in a certain way. This makes us trust people who are well dressed and good to look at.
- Trust : Can I trust this person? We respond to the warmth and authenticity of a person. Once we feel that authenticity and warmth, we trust that person. Conversely, if we can’t trust someone, we like to protect ourselves and our interests. We tend to stay away from individuals who appear to be hiding something or are very closed. By judging this way, we are evoking our deep instinct of protecting ourselves.
- Authority : What makes us trust a reputed doctor or a college professor or a nurse? Our judgement in such situation is based on their competence or their authority as it supports the fact of “They are for our benefit or betterment”. Their expertise and experience seem to play in “Our Favour”.
WE SHOULDN’T LET OUR JUDGEMENT CONTROL US
While our survival instinct automates the process of judging someone, there are pitfalls in the process. We should be careful who we judge and why, as we should not be judging the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
Take example of judging someone based on likeability. There may be times when we judge someone who is shy or introverted as being unsociable and untrustworthy. This leaves us open to incorrect judgements and being judgmental about people who truly aren’t.
It is easy to praise or to blame others for their actions, but unless we know their motivation, we really know nothing at all.
WHY SHOULD WE STOP JUDGING?
Have you thought something about a person you don’t know and later wondered, “What if I am wrong”? How did it make you feel?
It is a useful exercise to give others the benefit of the doubt by thinking about their situation and not jump to a conclusion. So why should you stop judging?
- Lack of information : Do you know everything about the person? Do you have the full picture? Hold off until you know all facts.
- Everyone is different : Remember one fact – as humans we all are different. If you don’t like doing something, it doesn’t mean that others won’t like it too.
- We don’t like being judged : It may sound very counterintuitive but we don’t like being judged, but often we tend to judge others without thinking. So, ask yourself how you would feel if you were judged?
- Openness to Accept : Wouldn’t it be nice if we are more accepting and tolerant? Wouldn’t it be wonderful for us to accept people as they are rather than expecting them to behave in a particular way (a way which we like or can related to). Are we willing to give someone a second chance?
- Appearance : We have heard,” Looks can be deceptive.” In spite of knowing this very well, we end up judging based on first impression and appearance. Many times, we regret making a judgement based on our first impression. Remember – appearance can be misleading.
- It’s all about you : When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself – Earl Nightingale. An honest look will show that the reactions you have to others, actually tell more about yourself than about the other person.
- An Opportunity to Learn : Every person you meet has something to give you – if you are open and willing to receive. While we are busy judging (of course it happens automatically) , we can miss an opportunity to learn something which can make us better human beings. Each interaction gives us a chance to improve our self-awareness as we learn about our dos and don’ts
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” ― Paulo Coelho
IN CONCLUSION
Every interaction is an opportunity for us to learn about ourselves- how we respond and interact with someone. When we look at ourselves instead of judging people, we expand our self-awareness and allow our tolerance and acceptance to GROW. Rather than allowing judgement to take place in an automatic mode and getting a sense of ego gratification, we can improve our self-understanding and become better with managing our emotions.
This will make you a better person and allow you to understand others better.